Past- Present- Future: life goes on!


Last Wednesday at Ohlala café, I met one of my best friends from my junior and high school-- a cute and lovely long haired chubby baby who was used to be an announcer on a youngster radio station in Bandung and was also been ‘sacrifice’ her self to puke celebrities’ life up on a national TV station (if you tend to be an infotainment freak you might recognize her -almost-sounds-like Ade Herlina- jolly voice reporting hot updated happening celebrities’ rumors) until she finally got better job as a media planner on a local advertising agency.
After all uproar chit-chat that spontaneously ‘blasted’ because of our great excitement of seeing each other that night (yes we finally met after several failed appointment and I bet you can guess what the topic of our conversation was: love and life, for sure) – we were promise to make this rendezvous to be held regularly twice a month *hopefully could be accomplished well, ya?*

Anyway, several months before we met on that last Wednesday, we were also had a little gathering at Blend café plus our another one best friend—a –let-me-call-her- Miss Love Loyal; a sweet patient and calm girl who’s been one step ahead spiritually by wearing jilbab for about the last 3 years and has been in a relationship for 7 years (let me repeat it, SEVEN years!! *what a long journey you’ve been!!* and please do not compare her long term successful relationship with mine *hiks*).
We were so enthusiast on the enthusiasm of gathering that day; talking about love (that was the 50% of our chit-chats and it’s all about boys, boys and boyss...), life (40% contains our past, present life and future’s plan incl. gossip *hey, no.. it’s a FACT!*, ha-ha) and some not-too-important to be discussed stuffs (the rest 10% was just discussing girl stuffs like style, foods and so on).

Three of us were from the same junior high school and also the same high school yet not too close enough to be called as ‘friends’ after being much more closer on the third grade of high school. Moreover, I and Miss Love Loyal (ha-ha, I bet Djuwi will also be laughing out loud reading this nickname, *sorry Windaaa…*) were from the same elementary school but had never been a classmate though.
Well, what I am going to tell you is- just imagine this: we were almost be “together” in our entire life; we were used to talk about unimportant things every time we met- just nothing but make ourselves laughing or whatsoever. And now, guess what- we absolutely had no idea that one day (which is our last meeting) we’re going to talk about such a serious thing: L I F E. Life is simple, but complicated. Easy, but difficult. Relax, but serious. Obvious, but unpredictable. And we realized that we are facing ‘the real life of the life’ itself. Graduated from college, we’re all facing the next step to make ourselves closer to the real world in the future with all valuable experiences of life behind. So, what next??? What is going to be our next leap after graduated? (And I bet that the biggest leap of our life is marriage!!! *Hello windaaa… your wedding is in front of your eyes!!* ha-ha!)

Dear friends, do you remember your past? Just try to go flashback, rewind your memories and remind your self about your past; your childhood, your puberty, your school and college moments. I believe that you really had no idea about what is going to be on your present life now, especially your future.

Yes, once again, we’ll never know because life is such a mystery. It is full of surprises. So, I just want to say to all of you guys; Welcome to the real world, welcome to maturity, welcome to career, welcome to marriage, welcome to the future. Ha-ha!

Remember, we’ll never know what is going to be the day after today, even one second after you read this post. But Allah does. Good luck! :D

The greatest affection is the powerful family affectional embrace


Getting homesick after 2 weeks full of pressureness on living in such a mean city called Jakarta, I decided to spend my weekend by visiting my home sweet home in Bandung only for sleeping in my truly comfortable bed in my cozy atmosphere chamber *well, I think so!*, enjoying such a ‘peaceful’ city (at least not as bad as Jakarta!) and of course for getting a huge embrace and affection of my lovely family.
Believe me, that 2 weeks was like 2 years for me; I felt that it was really such a long time- so I was so excited seeing my lovely hometown *what a spoil kid!*.

Anyhow, my weekend this time was full of discussion matters; serious conversation between me, my father and my mother, in my really ‘family gathering atmosphere’ living room. And the topic was about life, emotion vs. ratio things, career, religion and maturity. Well, I was born and grew up in a democratic (free to choose the way but keep on the right track), little bit conventional type (in a good way), professing Islamic spiritual belief attentively (yet need to learn more) and always discuss everything- openly state our thought and freely share our mind for a better way based on our family principal understanding (which contains the -how to keep-emotion and ratio-balanced with-religion belief- way of thinking).

Started from my outpouring feeling; I told them about my career case distraction (just read my former post titled ‘Like a marriage with no love (so how to get the affection appeared))’ and my really strange and weirdo psychological condition (read the ‘Tell me that my feeling was wrong, please?’ post)—then the discussion flew into such a serious type of conversation, reflecting what was going on upon my self lately and be wistful on realizing what the meaning of life is.
Well… the discussion was really deep and full of advices, and after all- I didn’t realize that my tears was falling trough my cheeks- I am absolutely proud being the part of this lovely family…

"My Lord! Bestow Thy mercy upon my parents, as they raised me up when I was little" (Holy Qur'an, Al Isra' 17:24)

Like a marriage with no love (So how to get the affection appeared?)

I’d like to make a confession here:

I’ve been married to this guy for about 6 months. Yes, marriage- a formal union committing to be together either for happiness or sadness, officially in a promise of unity in front of preacher, legally signed steadfastly as a partner and evidently engaged one another.

My husband is a wonderful kind, generous and handsome guy- a man with a great and prestigious name, very well known all around the world as a trustworthy professional person with appreciated background of family and life history. With his exclusive and elegant appearance and performance, no wonder- he is such a one in a million; and believe me, I had absolutely no idea why he chose me while there’s millions of woman wanted to marry him out there- and still waiting with a hopefulness hope, wishing that he’ll looking for a new wife to be married one day.

My husband is always fulfilling my necessity of life: high household expense, security and safety guarantee, and…PROUDNESS. Basically, my husband completes me with every single thing I needed, plus ‘trivial matters’ of life: facilitates me with his unlimited force, teaches me with expensive valuable knowledge, gives me a lot of experiences day by day, spoils me with his enormous gift, and so on.

But I don’t love him. I have no passion of making love with him. I have no passion to safe our relationship to be such an everlasting togetherness.

Our marriage has no love. No affectional desire.

I’ll tell you something. I still couldn’t forget my ex-boyfriend. My ex- boyfriend is completely different to be compared to my husband-- a very eccentric guy, stands out totally different than others, rebellious, has a strong desire of provocation, passionate me to sacrifice my life with passion and affection; willing me to dedicate myself with all my life, my heart, my soul, my huge power of energy. And let me say that I love him so much.
Basically, knowing my strong desire and ambition of loving, everybody supports me to keep my relationship with this irresistible guy— but one thing: commit my dedication and love with high responsibility.

Until the day had come. The day when my current husband surprisingly came to proposed me with all his dazzling tremendous enchantment and promises. And I was like being dazed in such a great confusing intersection of life- flustered me with lots of huge question marks on my head: who’s the one I have to choose? What if I choose this bright future going to be guy? What if I tenaciously wishing my boyfriend? Does my affection go to the right person? Is my boyfriend a right person for me? Each of them has its own lack and superiority; and still I had no idea- what had God already planned for my future.

Hour after hour, day by day, night by night passed by with full of prayers. Until finally I got the answer of every single word I said in my sincere wishful pray with a wise thought of patience: “Yes, I would accept his propose. And yes, I would learn to love him day by day. Time will answer. Time will bring me to love”

And voila! So here I am. Proudly stands as a fortunate chosen wife. But after 6 months in togetherness, I still haven’t found my affectional love compared to my ex- boyfriend—yet got lots of fortunate, pleasureness and proudness. Moreover, I heard that my ex- boyfriend is in a great trouble nowadays.

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Please replace these words and re-read the paragraph above:

Married= working, guy= company, husband= engaged job/company, legally signed= officially authority recognized by law, preacher= human resource administrator, new wife=new employee, household expense= salary, love=passion of working, ex- boyfriend=desirous job/company, dedication and love responsibility= professionalism, propose= recruit, enchantment and promises= facility and bright future, trouble= apprehensive situation regarding it’s’ existence.

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ABSOLUTELY NO. I didn’t mean to be ungrateful. God, everything happens wonderfully. I am truly enjoyed being the part of my company. Yes, it is ABSOLUTELY such a great and exalting bless that You’d been given for me. Nothing more, nothing less- I sincerely say this word yelled from my deepest heart in conscientiousness: ALHAMDULILLAH.
But (believe me, I hate to say this “but”)—yes, maybe human has unlimited satisfaction and so do I—this is not the one I wanted. But who knows, anyone has no force of guessing what God Almighty’s plan and exalted capability of blessing: this job might not be the one I wanted but this might exactly be what I needed.

“You might be dislike something whereas is good for you, and you might be like something whereas is not good for you- in truth Allah knows what you don’t know.” (Holy Qur’an, Al Baqarah 2:216)

Why did I choose this marriage or love story as the analogy of my occupation case distraction? Well, I think those two case have a strong similarity of basic principal thought and understanding; involving the two different side: emotion and ratio.
Emotion= want, desire, lust, love, passion; Ratio= need, exact, reasonable necessity.

God knows what the best thing for us is… In my case, well I hope this is the best thing for me either-- I don’t know. But what I got to do now is trying to stimulate my affection, love and passion to be appeared on my mood of working in this company…and I need more strengthen patience and time. Wish me luck… (Ihdinaa shiratalmustaqqim...)

Tell me that my feeling was wrong, please?


Friday night in Jakarta, last minutes before I went to my deepest sleep…I said to myself:

I am not a daydreamer, but I’ve been daydreaming so much lately.

I am not an introvert kind of person- keeping my own desperateness and resentful feeling adhered like glue on my unintelligible mind- carelessly give no damn to others, but I’ve been quite introvert these days.

I am not an ungrateful person (of course I don’t mean to be, God), but all that happens to me nowadays had driven me to a confusing principal thought, abandon my wishful dream and impudently forget the kindness of God. Yet, still spontaneously slap myself realizing my erroneous.

I have changed… and I regret.

Time and surrounding change us without giving any opportunity of realizing what is going on. Suddenly, we’ve changed. Better or worse.

And I got the worse, I guess…

Do I really change? Or it was only my feeling? Tell me that my feeling was wrong, please?


(Written with my tangible sight watching the moment of solitude, painfully in a great hunger of my family's embrace and support…)